Growing up is funny. You never realize you’re actually getting older, getting more mature until one day you just…are. You come across a situation and you react to it completely different than the younger you would have. And that’s when it hits you… Damn! I’ve grown up.
That’s happened to me recently. I’ve started dating someone new. I never thought this day would come, but yet, here it is. And what’s even more unexpected, TJ has started dating someone new as well. And I’m okay with it. Not okay in a fake way, but really and truly okay with it. Of course I was a little sad, but I didn’t feel the overwhelming jealousy, hurt or sadness that I expected to feel. I was a little nostalgic for our time together, but I think that’s normal. I really do want him to be happy and the new girl seems nice enough.
But that leads me to this…I still love him. And I think I will always love him. Some part of me will always be his, will always long for him, will always hope for him. But the funny thing is, this part of me coexists peacefully with every other part of me. As in, I can feel this way but still be fine with the fact that he has a girlfriend. I can feel this way but still be completely smitten with Tom. Fuck it, in love with Tom. At least I think so. But I can never be sure; I don’t trust my heart. Or myself in general, for that matter.
Which again leads me to…is that what it’s like to truly love someone? The way I feel about TJ now? That love for him even knowing he isn’t mine, knowing he probably loves another, instead of me? Was everything before tainted by need of possession? I don’t know. And if so, then do I REALLY love Tom? Or is it just an intense like of him? Loving that he loves me? (I feel like I can safely assume that he does feel that toward me). And then, can you really love someone while you’re with them? While you “have” them? Just thoughts I ponder…