Growing up is funny.  You never realize you’re actually getting older, getting more mature until one day you just…are.  You come across a situation and you react to it completely different than the younger you would have.  And that’s when it hits you… Damn! I’ve grown up.

That’s happened to me recently.  I’ve started dating someone new.  I never thought this day would come, but yet, here it is.  And what’s even more unexpected, TJ has started dating someone new as well.  And I’m okay with it.  Not okay in a fake way, but really and truly okay with it.  Of course I was a little sad, but I didn’t feel the overwhelming jealousy, hurt or sadness that I expected to feel.  I was a little nostalgic for our time together, but I think that’s normal.  I really do want him to be happy and the new girl seems nice enough.

But that leads me to this…I still love him.  And I think I will always love him.  Some part of me will always be his, will always long for him, will always hope for him.  But the funny thing is, this part of me coexists peacefully with every other part of me.  As in, I can feel this way but still be fine with the fact that he has a girlfriend.  I can feel this way but still be completely smitten with Tom. Fuck it, in love with Tom. At least I think so.  But I can never be sure; I don’t trust my heart.  Or myself in general, for that matter.

Which again leads me to…is that what it’s like to truly love someone?  The way I feel about TJ now?  That love for him even knowing he isn’t mine, knowing he probably loves another, instead of me?  Was everything before tainted by need of possession?  I don’t know. And if so, then do I REALLY love Tom?  Or is it just an intense like of him?  Loving that he loves me?  (I feel like I can safely assume that he does feel that toward me).  And then, can you really love someone while you’re with them?  While you “have” them?  Just thoughts I ponder…

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When the lights don’t glow the same way that they use to
And you finally get a moment to yourself
You’ll realize I was everything you’re missing
And I’ll tell you I’m in love with someone else…

everytime i think it’s okay to be friends. that it’s okay to be in contact. to talk. you or i prove myself wrong. because then i feel all sorts of ways. and not good ways.  i thought i was over you. turns out i was just on hiatus from you. i want to be with you. or maybe just someone like you.  but i definitely know that i want to be with someone. it’s weird because i feel this now. but come a little bit later and i dont feel this need at all.  i think i’m just in a depressed sort of mood today. i think it’s that damn book i’m reading.  i’ll be glad when it’s over, even though it’s a good book.

Actually, let me use a modifier.  I am HARDCORE on my grind.  I guess some updates need to be shared.  As in I got promoted!!  This was a month ago.  Now I’m really getting into the swing of my new role.  The hours are crazy long, think 8:30am to 9:30pm on a good day.  The days are even more hectic and crazy.  I have someone under me that I supervise.  Yeah, I am on THAT level.  And I’m only 24.  I can say it feels damn good.  I have to say that it has probably definitely helped me in getting over my ex.  There’s just no time in the day to have a boyfriend.  I’m glad that I don’t have a relationship to maintain right now.  Because I will say I would be a bad girlfriend right now.  I say I’m leaving work at 6 and don’t leave until 3.5 hours later.  I think that would cause a problem in a relationship.  Especially if it’s a consistent occurrence.  This focus on work has also helped me focus my love life.  As in before, my job was still crazy and stressful, but I had time to eff around.  Now there’s still some time for that, but usually not.  The same for my viewpoint on dating.  Before, all I really wanted was a short and fun little nothing.  The guys I dated I knew would never last.  There was no long term potential and I knew it.  And I was okay with it.  In fact, I think I preferred it.  But now, I find myself being a lot more picky with the guys I want to date.  I’m not looking for the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, but I do want to find a guy who I can have a potential future with.  Something a little bit long-term and stable.  NOT just a fling.  And NOT just a booty call.  Whereas before, booty call away!

BUT now that I’m focused on something more substantial, I find that guys are very very … shady!  I met a guy who I was interested in and was interested in me.  However, I was very upfront with him in that there would be no goodies given up anytime soon.  He said that he respected that and liked it.  In fact!  He said, and I quote, “I would have made you wait anyway.  I’m not that easy.”  !!!!  LOL.  I could dig that.  But then what happens after our first date?  Nothing.  He’s sent me one text since then.  I guess he was all talk.  But forreal, now I need, scratch that.  Want.  A man who’s also on his grind.  Is focused.  On his career.  His future.  Being a good man to a good woman.  Any men out there who are on point?

so i’m letting you go. slowly but surely. i don’t miss you per se, but i do think about you. a lot. and the times when i realize i’m not thinking about you, it’s always a bit of a surprise.  and even though i think about you constantly, there’s no pining.  not really.  more like a “hm sigh oh well i guess.”  i still sometimes picutre us together in the eventual future.  but i feel like that’s just a force of habit more than anything else.  also, i check for you on gchat and on facebook but i’m never tempted to talk to you.  there’s never really any motivation to make contact and start conversation.  and i don’t really mind that you don’t try to contact me either.  that used to drive me crazy. the fact that you wouldn’t try and contact me.  i would always worry and wonder if you had found someone new.  and that would kill me.  but now, i’m okay.  if i knew you were dating someone, i think my reaction would still be a little sad, but more “hm oh well.”  i dont know how this happened. maybe time. maybe i just finally realized we’re not meant to be together. or maybe complete opposite: that we will just end up together no matter what, so don’t worry about it now. nah i don’t think its that last one.  it just doesn’t have that feeling.  maybe i just dont care anymore. anyway, i just needed to get that out there.

Aaaaannnnndddd… the fantasy has ended.  Abruptly.  I can’t say I’m terribly surprised.  I mean, we all knew how it would end.  But still, I can’t help but feel … disappointed and sad.  Maybe a little hurt.  But I have no one to blame but myself, so, no pity for me please.

Is it possible for exes to become just friends with off-the-hook-awesome benefits?  Or am I living in some insanely amazing, but totally unrealistic, fantasy world?  A world that is not capable of sustaining itself and will come crashing down all around me…hard.

The reason I ask is because I THINK that is what my ex and I have become.  I know, I know…  Many of you are probably shaking your heads.  Hell!  I was shaking my head at myself.  BUT!  I just needed some realllllllllly realllllly good lovin’ after the most terrible, awkward, unsatisfying and disappointing “sex” I’ve EVER had in my life.  Yes, sex in quotation marks.  Because I’m just not sure what transpired could be counted as sex without the quotation marks.  Ack!  Just remembering it makes me cringe.  For myself and for him.  Mostly for him.

Anyway, the Terribly Awkward Attempt happened a few weeks ago and afterwards I was left feeling extremely frustrated and…needy.  So I posted something on my g-chat status.  Something innocuous to any outside reader, but one loaded with meaning for the ex and I.  Oh, technology!  How you enable yet disable me!

Needless to say, the ex g-chatted me with a response.  And I responded to his response. And he responded. And I responded. And he responded.  Then we did.

And thus began the slow, white-hot burn.

Soooooo … where do I even begin?

How about a list?  Everyone loves lists. 🙂

1)  I am FINALLY inked up!  Yes, that’s right, I finally got my tattoo.  It’s a phrase that runs along the top of my shoulder.  I would share the phrase and post a pic, but since it’s something I came up with myself and uniquely my own, it compromises my anonymity and such.  But if you ask nicely (and privately), I’d be willing to share.  I am totally in love with it.  Seriously, it’s everything I hoped it would be.  And, it didn’t hurt…much!  Haha.  But I’m just glad since that’s another thing that I can cross off from My List.

2) I am semi, sorta, maybe dating someone?  Do I sound confused?  It’s because I am.  I just want to do the damn fckn thing already!  But, alas, it’s not to happen.  And his text-flirting game is, at best, a D-.  Yeah.  Oh, and, he doesn’t have a scent.  But this is not the guy I mentioned I was crushing on before. Totally new guy.  Totally cute story behind how we met.  Now if only we can have a totally cute way of continuing on having fun.  But damn!  It’s hard work with him.  And I just don’t feel like having to work for anything right now.  I want fun.  I want easy.  I want…flirty sexy fun!

3) OK, so I wrote that up there a while ago.  That has maybe fizzled out.  Again, I’m not entirely sure since he’s not consistently communicative.  As in, a few days/weeks will go by and I’m thinking okay, guess that’s over and done.  And then, bam!  There he goes with his D- flirting.  But flirting nonetheless.  I decided, however, that I am going to stop trying with him.  I think I was so eager to have a fling that I was losing sight of my objective.  To have fun.  Which leads me to…

4)  Fun!  I’ve been hanging out a lot with new people.  (Another thing I can semi cross off My List!)  I’ve always been open to trying and doing new things.  But now, I’m also more open to hanging out with new people.  And I’m definitely thankful that I’ve met such amazing people.  I’ve also noticed that I’m more confident in approaching people.  What they say is true, confidence is attractive.  To everyone.

5)  I still miss the ex.  I still think about him.  I still sometimes wish I was with him.  I still sometimes get so fucking angry about it all.  But I’ve noticed that the feelings come less often, and less intensely.  I’m not religious and I’m not trying to push anything on anyone, but I’ve been praying about it.  And I definitely think it’s helped.  A LOT.  I feel like through asking Him for some help, I’m learning to let go.  I’m starting to forgive.  I’m starting to have the strength to move on.  And also, there’s probably some divine intervention going on.  Whatever the case, I’m just glad.  Because it’s exhausting holding on to everything.

And I think that’s it for now.  I hope everyone else is feeling as blessed and…satisfied as I am.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t breathe!  I can’t breathe!  I can’t fucking breathe!  I am beyooond tempted to call up the ex and tell him I’m coming over.  Better yet, I just want to show up at his door, push up against him and just do the damn thing!  I want to feel his lips on me.  On my face, my neck, my back… I want his hands around me, on me, everywhere.  I want to feel him on me, in me, surrounding me.  I want to nuzzle my face in his neck and breathe him in.  I want to kiss and nibble.  Bite and lick.  GOD!  I am sooooo sexually frustrated right now.  And just imagining all these things, everything I want, it literally makes my heart stop and leaves me breathless.  I am fighting against these temptations.  I am FIGHTING!  But hotdamn mothereffin shit!  I am having flashbacks, memories, physical fucking reactions!  ARRRRHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And oh yeah, btw, I’m back to blogging. Ha.

Scent.  Definitely something that attracts me.  If a guy has an amazing scent, it doesn’t need to be cologne, it can just be natural, I am instantly more attracted to him.  Definitely a +1 in my book.  I think it’s so important because if I’m with a guy, I would definitely want to know him, identify him, by that unique scent.  If we’re all snuggled up I want to be able to bury my face in his neck and smell him forever.  I think it’s comforting.  To be cuddling and have his scent surround me.  And when we’re apart to still be able to smell him on me.  OK, that makes it sound like an animal marking its territory by peeing on me but you get what I mean.  Hopefully. Lol.

That brings me to my predicament(?).  I am semi, sorta crushing on someone at work.  But he has no scent!  Like not even a cologne.  And although we get along great, he’s good-looking,  has an awesome personality, funny and totally nice…he is definitely lacking in the sex appeal for me.  All because he has no identifiable scent.  *le sigh… Guess I could always just start hanging out at the cologne section of Macy’s.  Haha.

What about you guys?  Is there just that *something* about the opposite sex that makes you swoon?